Who fed Caleb Downs after midnight?
Each week, we’ll analyze the Ohio State game (and occasionally other games as well) through the lens of cinema. If this game were the next “Remember the Titans,” “Space Jam” or “The Notebook,” what storylines would keep us talking? What would make us laugh, reach for the box of tissues, or have us on the edge of our seats? Grab your popcorn and get ready for pop culture references, a hint of snark, and a trip back in time to the Blockbuster Video days.
If you’re going to keep a gremlin as a pet, there are three strict rules you must follow: Do not expose it to light, do not let it get wet, and do not, under any circumstances, feed a gremlin after midnight.
The ranked matchup between No. 2 Ohio State vs. No. 5 Indiana might have had a noon ET kickoff instead of a midnight one, but someone let the Buckeyes eat.
And much like Gizmo, Stripe, and company in Joe Dante’s 1984 fantasy horror film “Gremlins,” just because someone at first seems harmless—dare I even say endearing—does not make them incapable of unleashing complete destruction on those in their wake.
Harmless is a good word for the Buckeyes at the start of this game, with a quick three-and-out on offense, followed immediately by a Hoosiers touchdown on a long scoring drive, followed by a decent drive for the Buckeyes that ended with them turning the ball over on downs, at the goal line.
All the momentum seemed to be working to the advantage of Curt Cignetti’s Hoosiers, who looked like they had the Buckeyes completely under control.
Things appear similarly under control in Kingston Falls. Struggling inventor Randall purchases a mogwai — a furry but ambiguous creature — for his son Billy for Christmas. Though the store’s owner refuses to sell Randall the mogwai, Randall purchases it secretly from the owner’s grandson, who details each of the three very important rules.
So when Billy receives his new pet, let’s just say – rules get broken, and Billy has to learn the hard way. The water spawns more mogwai, and Billy gets tricked into feeding them after midnight.
And that’s where our story begins.
Now, the Buckeyes didn’t trick the Hoosiers into feeding them, but the end result was the same: Things got out of hand.
On the football field, the Hoosiers, led on offense by quarterback Kurtis Rourke, looked like the portrait of composure on their opening drive, but by the start of the second quarter, the Buckeyes sprang to life like the mogwai spontaneously generating five more friends when they get wet (one of whom happens to be a particularly aggressive and unafraid lil guy named Stripe).
By the time the Hoosiers turned the ball over on downs on their own four-yard-line near the end of the first half, it was as if the mogwai had been fed after midnight – there was no stopping OSU from that point forward. The Buckeyes scored with just 21 seconds remaining in the first half, then held Indiana to a quick three-and-out on the opening drive of the second, which forced the Hoosiers to punt from their own 27-yard line.
Caleb Downs channeled his inner Stripe, evading three tacklers trying to spoil his fun as he returned that punt for a touchdown.
Over in Kingston Falls, Stripe takes himself to a YMCA to generate some friends in the pool before taking over the town, evading all attempts to stop him. His antics take him on adventures that include a stop at the local theater to see “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” and a trip to the department store.
Over in Columbus, the Buckeyes ran up the score, tacking on two more touchdowns and a field goal to just one final touchdown from the Hoosiers, bringing the final score to 38-15.
And while I won’t spoil the ending of “Gremlins” (you’ll have to watch if you want to find out whether the humans or the mogwai come out on top), the Hoosiers—like the people of Kingston Falls—tried a variety of tactics to get the situation under control, but at least for this Indiana team yesterday, they all seemed to come up short. Their biggest mistake was letting the Buckeyes eat in the first place.